Acquiescence
by Miss Aisling
Summary: In life, you don't always get what you want. Love is a complicated thing and feelings can mislead you. Many emotions can be mistaken for love, but when you do finally find the real thing; what if it's too late?


Acquiescence

My first sad piece - I hope you like it. Um... the original had the Japannese names, but I changed it. Diversity is not a bad thing.

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"Darien, what's wrong? Why won't you tell me?"

"Nothing's wrong, I'm fine, really."

This is the daily conversation I exchanged with my betrothed. I really wish I could call her something more but I can't. She means nothing more to me now.

There was a time when I thought I loved her. I used to feel giddy and excited just being near her, but that feeling has been moot and indolent for a long time, and has become more so with each passing day.

When we first met I was captivated. Her stunning looks and clever wit were a winning combination. All the other guys I knew set their libidos by her, and I considered myself lucky to call her my own. I remember feeling such pride at the envious stares I received with her dangling from my arm. She batted her eyelashes coyly at every eligible male in sight and it stirred a fire in me. I reacted rashly to salvage her virtue countless times and it sickens me to think that there was never anything there worth salvaging. Her flaunting reminds me of a rat with its leathery scraps, taunting all other rats who dare impose. She still does that, but now I don't get jealous.

I barely react at all.

I treated her like an object at first, I won't deny it. I saw her as a pretty little toy for my amusement. But a few spats and several slaps later I learned to really respect her - not just for her body and mind, but for the pride associated with them. She completely erased my damsel-in-distress perception of women. She radiated strength to counter that of the toughest mugger. She exerted courage to rival even the boldest vandal. She was all this and yet still managed to hide it behind a mask of poise and benevolence. Until you did something to evoke her temper, that is. Her temper could rival Hades himself.

From there our relationship grew in intensity. Every touch we shared was sensual and erotic. Our bodies were drawn to one another as if an electro-magnetic field existed between us. It was all so incredibly intoxicating. The feel of warm hands on smooth skin - the smell of sweat mixed with the aromas of love. The high of bliss and subsequent contentment we both craved, only because our relationship lacked them otherwise. Although I was enticed back then, the thrill has long died for me.

As time passed our arguments have grown more vicious, and more often. The little habits I once found endearing I now find impertinent and irritating. Her morning tetchiness is disheartening, considering I am really a morning person. She has terrible mood swings and seems to always blame them on me. Her dark nature and serious demeanor are unnerving and depressing, and I find myself trying to change her in subtle ways.

Sadly, I can't help but wish for more from her. I wish I could change her.

I wish she was lighter, more jovial. I wish we wouldn't fight like loathsome enemies. I wish I could still feel the spark we once had - such a thing I am skeptical of though.

Looking back on our relationship, I realize we shared nothing more than attraction. It seems almost like a prolonged one night stand and that thought makes me wish I could hate her. I don't, but I also don't love her and I don't think I ever could.

I do love someone else though.

A little while back, I found my attention starting to wander. My betrothed has many friends, but one of them in particular caught my eye.

Just as beautiful as my betrothed - maybe even more so - her easy-going nature and pure heart kindled my intrigue.

Her fathomless eyes made my stance waver countless times. The sweet lull of her gentle voice is enough to drown all other sounds. Such a dainty peaches and cream complexion and such silkily woven hair could only be the work of angels. Her very existence has me under a spell - how could any man look at her and not love her.

I saw her once, helping a little girl whose cat had ambled up a tree with a broken leg. She climbed up the high tree, risking injury, just to make the child happy. I think that selfless act is what made me fall in love with her.

Yes… I think I do love her more now than ever.

I met her around the same time as my betrothed. We acknowledged each others existence and nothing more. I realize now how utterly oblivious I was to her perfection. I was amazed by her need to please others and misinterpreted her naivety as stupidity - but over time and conversation, my intrigue turned to infatuation.

Maybe my wandering eye is not a recent development. I'm beginning to think I have always been in love with her, I just didn't realize it until recently. In my defense, the feelings I was experiencing back then were more than misleading - now that my hormones have settled I can look back on everything more clearly.

From the beginning my feelings for her were very distinctive from the ones I felt for my betrothed. The fervent lust and overwhelming desire were not factors in my love for her. Maybe that is why it took me so long to recognize them - they were subtle, always gently tugging at my heartstrings inconspicuously.

Instead of the usual lascivious emotions, I felt warm and joyous - queasy and exhilarated. I never considered it attraction because I never felt the ardor that I assumed came with it.

But now that it is too late, I see I was wrong.

Now she is truly out of reach for me. I am engaged to her best friend and our wedding day is tomorrow. You are probably thinking I could just back out and tell her how I feel, but it is more complicated than that.

I have already found out that she feels nothing for me. It happened last year at the Juuban Summer Carnival. It still hurts so much to think of that fateful day. It was the day where all my fears revealed themselves - the day my hopes died.

It was my day of acquiescence.

Flashback

"Darien, hurry up we're late." My betrothed skipped ahead happily, oblivious to my obvious anxiety.

"Okay, okay! Raye, slow down," I said, increasing my stride.

"Nah, Serena is waiting for us. You know how tetchy she can be if we keep her waiting. Ha! That is a rarity, isn't it? Us keeping her waiting…" Raye broke off in a fit of giggles, pulling my arm for me to hurry.

As we approached the market section of the carnival a small blonde haired angel caught my eye.

My love was standing at a nearby stall, buying a large plush yellow bunny. The sun captured her hair making the spun gold tendrils dance and sway with light. She turned to us and smiled that enchanting smile she reserves for dear friends.

"Raye, Darien, you guys are late," she said fixing us a feigned scowl. "The puppet show starts in five minutes, come on." She danced past us with a playfully mocking flourish that provoked a gale of laughter from me and Raye.

"Puppet show?" I said skeptically, unconsciously edging away from Raye.

"Oh yeah, sorry 'bout this Dar but Serena is really just a big kid. I'm sure we can do other things afterward. Besides, who knows? It might be entertaining." Raye dragged me in the direction Serena had gone, grinning like a slack jawed mule. Her sporadic chipper mood swings are another characteristic of hers I have grown to detest.

When we got to the shoddily constructed puppet stand, we took our seats near the front so that dear Serena would be happy.

When the tatty curtains opened, the miniscule crowd became quiet and the show began.

It started with two puppets. One had short black fur for hair, the other had tresses of long red wool. The black haired one produced a bouquet of roses whilst reciting promises of love and faithfulness in a way that parents would deem fit for their children. The red haired one was overjoyed and they hugged and kissed, at which point the crowd cooed and clapped appreciatively.

Once the ruckus died down a puppet with pink fluff for hair entered and the black haired one started showing signs of infatuation and longing - again in a child friendly way. The red haired one became jealous and left, crying loudly and over exaggeratedly. The pink haired one kissed him and then bonked him over the head with the plastic roses.

The rest of the play involved little humorous adventures in which the trio fought and argued, and provided comedy for the audience.

I paid little attention, thinking of the first ten minutes and how it applied to my situation. I hatched an Idea on how to tell Serena how I felt, without saying it straight. I never thought that that idea would come from a children's play.

"Oh, that was so cute," Serena cooed once the curtains had closed for the final time.

"Yeah," Raye agreed. "Wasn't that black haired puppet the sweetest little thing ever?"

"Uh huh, it was cute, but not as cute as the pink one."

Raye shifted uncomfortably before announcing she needed a trip to the ladies room. I waited until she was out of earshot before implementing my plan.

"So, Serena, what did you think of the first little skit?" I asked warily, attempting nonchalance.

"The love skit? I didn't like that one."

"Why not?" I asked incredulously, unable to believe someone as loving as her could brush it off so easily.

"The guy said he loved one girl and then cheated on her and broke her heart. How could I like something like that?"

I felt a pang in my chest at the unintentional blow. I never knew she could be so cold. Attempting to salvage some hope, I decided to try a different tact.

"Okay, that's true, but he loves the other girl. Should he have to stay with the first girl if he doesn't love her anymore?"

"If he feels that way, maybe he shouldn't have said he loved her in the first place. I am appalled that the pink girl would take him after he was so callus."

"Oh," I said, dejected. That is where all my hope of being with her died.

Shortly after that Raye came back from the restrooms, and she and Serena continued to aimlessly trawl the stalls with me in their wake.

End Flashback

That one little meaningless conversation was the turning point of my life. Her utter rejection of even the concept of my situation was a knife through my soul. I can see why she feels that way and I understand, maybe even condone her reaction. I was a fool to think someone as pure as her would ever see me as more than a friend.

So now here I am on the eve of my downfall. In less than fifteen hours I will be married to a woman I don't love and pulled further from a woman I do love. And all I can do now is continue this charade and relent in sorrowful acquiescence - accept that my inauspicious relationship is inevitable. After all, what good would it do to protest now?

Now, I have Serena's friendship. I know she likes me and trusts me with things that are important to her. If I hurt Raye by abandoning the wedding she would never look at me again, never mind love me.

Acquiescence is necessary if I ever wish her to return my feelings.

Tomorrow I will smile and feign joviality. I will be bound to a loveless marriage and rue it for as long as I live. I will berate myself for ever falling into the trap of a careless lascivious relationship that is as deep as a puddle and as meaningful as a harvest bow.

It will be worth it though, because Serena will be there. She will be the light in an ever darkening darkness. And maybe someday, she will feel the same way I do. She may even be able to abandon her irksome morals and see me as more than a friend, see me as I see her.

I will tell her how I feel when that day comes, someday - but until then I will do my best to be a true friend. It is what beloved Serena deserves, someone who will always be there for her.

When that day comes I hope Raye can forgive me.

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Let me know what you think.

: ) Aísling a.k.a. Lingy ( :


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